Does it have to be a Luminor w/ crown guard?
Luminor or Rad or the 1950 cas and definitely the new 372 (enough choices)
Does it have to be cased in SS or any white metal would do?
Only SS
Does it have to have a crappy Unita movement or any manual wound movement would do?
any lanual, gotta move on so their inhouse is fine to BUT ONLY MANUAL, no automatic
Does it have to have a black or dark brown dial?
both are good
Does it have to have sandwiched dial or painted index?
again, both
Does it have to be tritium index or the FAT (Faux Aged Tritium) would do?
every vintage watch, no matter the brand has tritium so this is no Panerai DNA which makes it unimportant. FAT is fine
Can it have a second hand?
Yes bu only at 9 o'clock , not like the 28
Can it offer any more complication than just time only?
no
Does it have to be 44m or 47mm or?
both are fine
Does it have to have a solid caseback?
no
Does it have to have an OP logo?
no
Does it have to have a PIG somewhere? (I hope not!!!)
no
Can it be a bracelet watch? (I'm only joking!!!)
hell no
Can it come w/ a cyclop? (Yes, still joking!!!)
it shouldn't have a date function in the first place
Can it be iced out? (Ok, I got it, it's not that funny anymore!)
no answer ;-)
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