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patrick_y
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Aston Martin Parody Report

Reproduced from MetaCars Blog


Aston’s new four door coupe, the Rapide, is absolutely frickin’ awesome. In today’s issue, we have an objective look at how awesome it is. So, is the awesome new Aston Martin awesome?

The new Rapide is Aston’s first sedan since the Lagonda, which every real car fan knows was a crap car, far outclassed by its contemporary BMW M6. But now the Rapide is here, and there aren’t any cars like it. Nothing like this out now. Not the Mercedes S65 AMG. Not the Mercedes CLS63 AMG. Not the BMW 7-Series. Not the Audi S8. And certainly it’s nothing like the Porsche Panamera or Maserati Quattroporte.

Aston has utilized high-tech and advanced construction for the Rapide, with several aluminum body panels and for the structure too. The result is a car that is just a little bit heavier than the BMW 7-Series, which doesn’t even have any lightweight aluminum body panels.

The Rapide drives like you’d think it should, with unbelievably awesome supercar performance. The big V12 moves it from 0-60 in only 5.2 seconds, which is nearly as fast as a Mustang. And the six speed automatic also rivals the Mustang in number of gears. True, 5.2 seconds is a bit off rival Porsche Panamera Turbo’s 0-60 time of 3.5 seconds, but oh my goodness these brownies are really delicious.

And the real benefit of the Rapide is that it’s not just a supercar, or a Mustang-rival, but that it can haul your entire family in style. Rather than being a 2+2 like the DB9, with tiny rear seats, the Rapide has four doors. While they lead to two tiny rear seats, you can take short trips within town with friends under 5′6”. So the Rapide is an awesome family car.

You really have to admire Aston for this impressive space utilization. While the Honda Accord at an equal length is cavernous by comparison and seats 5 people comfortably, the 196-inch Aston Martin is awesome. It’s also not like Aston’s engineers had a lot of width to work with either; the Rapide is only 1 inch wider than the diminutive BMW 7-Series.

Naturally the Rapide has all the features you could want in a $200,000 car. Bluetooth, power heated front seats, satellite radio, and iPod connectivity. Just go try and find those in a $15,000 Kia.

The Aston Martin Rapide is the most anticipated car in its class since the last car that came along, the Porsche Panamera. And the Rapide will surely be the most celebrated until the next car that comes along, too.

So here’s your verdict. How awesome is the Aston Rapide? After close investigation, we determined that it’s awesome in every way. And that’s something you can write a cutesy closing line about.